| im an ass |
[Jan. 15th, 2006|04:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | anything loud and angry at the moment | ] |
i think i have been handleing this situation all wrong. i may have said some things on this whole thing that may have pissed some of you off, and im sorry i never answer my cell phone. but thats because its not mine anymore.
jana, im sorry for how i treated you and how ive been acting lately. some pretty shitty stuff has happend recently and thrown me all out of whack. but i think im on my way up now. im happy for you and this justin kid, i hope hes all you are looking for and more and wish you two the best. i really do want to keep our friendship alive, i told you i wont go back on that promise and i wont.....unless you do. |
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| well.......im not in jail |
[Jan. 13th, 2006|12:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | slipknot - liberate & surficide | ] |
my whole life has fallen from underneath me in the last month. i lost the girl i thought i was going to marry at one point. i lost all but one of the friends i really wanted to be there. i lost my job. i lost my truck for the time being. i've lost my will. i feel dead on the inside. i have this bad feeling in my gut that no matter what i do i cant shake it. i know this is just one of lifes low points and i just gotta wait for the next good, but this fucking sucks donkey balls. |
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| Fucked up shit |
[Jan. 12th, 2006|09:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the killers-all these things that ive done | ] |
well, one more thing in my life is lost. i just got fired this morning. some bitch at my work thinks i was sitting in my truck smoking cocaine....yeah....no shit. damn ive been a coke head this whole time AND I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW IT!!! if she decides to press charges im going to the pokey. and when my family gets wind of this my life is gonna REALLY suck.........does anyone see a reason for me to be here? i dont.......im done with typing for now.
P.S. if you ever do cocaine at work the best thing to do is to at least let yourself know you're doing it so you can hide it |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|04:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | liberate-slipknot | ] |
havent really done this in a while. i have never been able to sit still long enough. but anywho....things are goin ok now. new years was tight. got tanked. had fun....after midnight of course cuz adam had to work untill 12. fuckin yay. but i still had my share of fun and enjoyment.
2004:hella gay
2005:had its moments
prediction for '06:gonna be gayer than '04
yeah.......dont know what to type anymore so i have resorted to random bullshit.....ummmmmmmm.....yup.......hm. well im just gonna go then. se ya guys later.
P.S. i miss you all, i really do |
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| :) |
[Dec. 26th, 2005|09:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | SYSTEM OF A DOWN - SUGAR | ] |
finally........I FEEL HAPPY!!! my i dont give a fuck feeling has finally hit me and now i could not care less about everything. im sorry if that makes anybody mad but I....DONT.....GIVE....A FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| all alone in this empty world (DONT REPLY TO THIS!!!) |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|02:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Killswitch engaged-life to lifeless | ] |
i thought that if i was ever single again it would be a nonstop party. flirt with every girl i see, drunk most of the time. stoned now and again. but its like i feel torn and broken. every time i see a girl all i see is pain. when i see a girl all i see is.....nothing. where i once saw love and warmth and solace.....all i see now is emptyness and pain and lonliness. all i want is a girl to love and to love me for me and understand me, not try to change me or tame me. i want to be me and nothing else. i am who i am because thats who i am. and im sorry i couldn't be your perfect man but i tried. maybe i didnt try hard enough, maybe i tried too hard. who knows. but i have come to terms with the fact that we were not meant to work. i love you with all i have. but thats not good enough. you deserve more. you will find the right guy. and i will find the right girl. and we will both be happy. i realy want to keep our friendship alive though. that is one promise i made that i will never go back on. if you remember that one. but thats all i got to say now. dont reply to this. dont leave me messages. just dont. any of you. just dont |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|01:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | shitty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rage against the machine - vietnow | ] |
lately shit has been fucked. i made some mistakes and hurt some very close people to me. and in the process i lost a very good thing. i had it good, fucked up, stumbled and tripped, and fucking lost it....i lost it. that is a good way to describe how i feel right now.....lost. there is so much shit running through my head right now and i dont know if it will ever stop. i feel free but at the same time i feel confined and broken. i have the same feelings i did when i was in middle school and freshman year. i refer to these times as my dark days, but its when i was at my lowest in life. and that is how i feel....low. i wish i could say more but i dont fucking wanna.
usually this is where i would put a joke or a quote from other people. well i got a quote for ya; "When you are sitting there and you see how good you have it soak it up and enjoy it because you never know what kind of shit life will throw at you" - me |
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| bored.......really FUCKING bored |
[Nov. 5th, 2005|01:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | black lable society - in this river | ] |
my parents are gone for the weekend, finaly i can run around bare ass naked WITHOUT freaking out the family.......im bored......help. havent hung out with chris in a while. that bites. i miss my homie. there was a time when we both would have swore nothing was going to keep us apart.....i miss those times more than anything. I LOVE YOU MAN, I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABYS!!! ha ha.....ha. still bored out of my mind....does it show. but seriously, to me there is nothing more important in the world than a really close friend. i learned that one the hard way....and it hurts to see that we shifted away....i mean i still see him once in a while.....we didnt drift apart, we just shifted a little. new subject........i wanna get drunk. i care with who, i dont care how, i dont care where, i dont care. i just wanna get FUCKED up. fucked up frome the dick up. hahahahaha....i like that one. |
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| im bored |
[Sep. 7th, 2005|10:06 pm] |
I MIGHT BE WORKING AT SCHUCKS!! Took a stupid test today, i did above average. Berni said i did better than most but not as good as some. fuckin awesome dude. that would be cool to work there. my first real job working with car stuff. that would kick ass. fun shit man. the only thing that was negative today was jana and i talking about moving out. but i think we came up with a solution to that one. me chris and ryan have our own appartment and jana elysia and melissa have there own next door. that would be pimp. then i can keep my word to ryan and still be REALLY close to jana. so thats taken care of....i hope. then i can get the fuck out of this house. i cant fucking wait. it will be so goddamn cool. chris just needs to get his license and then him and ryan both need cars. dont need to be anything special just something to get them to work and back. but i gotta go. PEACE NIGGAZ!
P.S.) I LOVE YOU TOO JANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| blah |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|11:50 pm] |
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Good things to report tonight. went and filled out an application to Schucks to day. took it in....yep yep. i hope i get that job. that would be pimp. rolen in the money. HELLLLLLL YEAH beatch. then i wouldent have to drive for my dad that often.....maybe. i dont know what else he would do though. he cant drive yet. but that is coming soon i think. hes walking better and better by the day. he says he wants me to get a job and go to school so apparently he has some kind of plan. maybe he'll retire and cash in on that social secuity that hes got coming from a bunches of shit. i over heard my aunts talking about when they retire they will get gobs of money from my real grandfather dieing, my step grandpa dieing, and something else i cant remember. but if they get it so will my dad. but my dad is too much of a worker to want to retire young. but i dont know. as long as i dont have to wake up that fucking early and not even get paid for it i will be happier. i also talked to chuck, the kid that i was helping with his bike and he did good at state. if he wins two more events hes going to nationals. so yeah. im happy about that too. all kinds of good things tonight. but im leaving now so see you bitches later. |
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| FUCK YOU ALL!!! dont ask me why |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|11:42 pm] |
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oh yay....i get to go get up every FUCKING day at around 4 to drive a smelly goddamn truck to pick up smelly goddamn animals and take them to a smelly goddamn plant owned by a cock sucking fat fuck who should eat shit and die. aint it just fucking peachy?!?! this summer sucked...sure there were times that kicked ass but most of it sucked. i did grow closer to the ones i love and the one that i really love.....happy about that....but i was looking forward to sleeping in late, having friends over for the night, and sleeping in late, oh yeah and sleeping in late. BUT NO!!! oh well, fuck it. does this face look like it cares? ok well, if you could see my face you would say no. BUT FUCK IT!!! (i said butt fuck, hahahaha) had to do that, sorry if you didnt think that was funny, and if you didnt FUCK YOU!!! im in a venting kind of mood right now. i feel like yelling and screaming and kicking the shit out of stuff....i want to mosh....where is some hard music and chris when i need him? FUCK IT!!! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK THE FUCKING COMPUTER!!! FUCK IT ALL!!! FUCK IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT-A!!!! dont ask, just pretend like nothing ever happened. all right, im done. heres a couple thoughts for you guys. 1) that a bunch of really random bullshit. 2) you cant see me |
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| lifes good for once |
[Jan. 10th, 2005|12:19 pm] |
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most of you know that before i met you guys i was very unsocable. i did nothing but get in fights and get in trouble. but right now i have taken a complete 180 degree turn. i have a group of friends that i have never felt this close to and it would kill me to lose one of you guys. i have a girlfriend who understands and loves me very much. i have a vision of the future for myself and i am taking the steps to get there. sure i might stumble here and there on those steps, but i am making forward progress. i no longer feel the need to end my life (that went away in ninth grade by the way). i have too much to live for. the only thing that could be better is the whole uncle and alex thing. but with all this good its only natural to have bad. i know it will work itself out but its taking too long. jana hates it everytime alex comes into town, but if she were me she would do the same thing i am doing. if one of her cousins came to her crying so hard there face is red cuz they're not breathing enough and all they are talking about is killing themselves and you look in their eyes and you can tell they're not lying you would put your life on hold too just to help them. i hate that i have to put everything on hold too but i cant be talking him out of suicide while making out with jana. i have to be talking to him one on one with no distractions. you are probably thinking "every time he comes into town hes not thinking about suicide" and you are right, but most of the time he is. the times hes not is when we used to hang out with everybody. but now he thinks that everyone of my friends hates him. and im starting to think hes right. except fo rtwo that i can think of off hand, or at least they can hide they're hate for him long enough to atleast be decent to him. sure he can be a dick sometimes but if i went through all shit he has i would too. everybody allways brings up his excesive drinking. his life is why he drinks. his dad drinks cuz he is addicted. alex drinks to forget, at least for a moment or two. and if he ever does come between me the person i love i will stick with him. he allready has done the same for me. and i am the only one in the family that still looks at him in a positive eye. the rest of my family hates him. there is more to this but im leaving. |
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| life is good for once |
[Dec. 27th, 2004|01:48 am] |
i get to update this thing aain. whoopty fucking do. what to talk about, lets see. ummmmm........got hi with my cousin and jana a while ago. that was cool. ummmmmmm........my parents hate me as usual. and life still sucks. the whole time im typing this i cant help but think who would have to be so fucked in the head to realy look foreard to my journal entrys. but then i realize the only two people who read this thingy is jana and elysia, and the only one who might actually really look foward to reading my entrys is jana, but for different reasons than im talkng about. hmmmmmmmm.....nooooo im not bored and typing random shit...oh FUCK no.
here i sit same as ever
took a shit, pulled the lever
round and round and round it goes
till it stops and over flowes
as leaks onto my shoe
its on my sock and leaking through
had to say it.
god lifes a bitch right now. i hate it. i hate it i hae it I HATE IT GOD DAMNIT. the only good life has going for it right now is that im breathing its air. but that is an easily chnged negitive. although i love jana and jana loves, thats a huge plus. i dont know what id do without her. she completes me. i do kind of miss the single scene though. running around with my old friends trying helplessly to get laid but with little to no avail, drinking, smoking, and eating everything that passed infront of our face. sitting in a friends garage playing some old worn out guitar stoned and drunk off my ass. damn those were the days. that was going to be the death of me and im glad i over came it. and im really happy with jana. cant think of anything else to say. |
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| lifes a bitch.......so spay it |
[Nov. 28th, 2004|07:05 pm] |
the title says it all. life sucks......A LOT!! in three weeks i got into an accident and got two tickets. parents say a travisty....i say work of art. i admit my driving isn't the greatest, but the times when i should have goten a ticket or gotten in trouble for i didnt. when those three things happend i was driving like a normal person. the accident was at five in the morning. i have NEVER been a morning person so i wasnt awake enough to drive like i usually do. the tickets were my fault and i payed for those with MY money. not mom and dads money....MY money. life sucks ass right now. but christmas is looking up for me.....so far. knowing my cracked out family they'll find a way to fuck it up for me. oh well. i gave up caring a while ago. anywho, i know things will get better. so i will just wait. i know that if it werent for my friends i wouldent be here right now.
guess im leaving now |
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| ITS FUCKING HOT DAMNIT |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|07:51 pm] |
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i finally got my computer back. the computer guy said it had three viruses and 582 spy-ware. in other words, really fucked up......big time. but its all cool now. totalled my car. parents dont care though so i dont. we all knew it was gonna die within a month or two anyways. a little over 200,000 miles. thats a damn lot for a old ford car. especially all on the same motor. most of the other people i talked to who had that same car around the same year had to get a new motor. that thing was such a peice of shit. my uncle david said he would sell me his 88 chevy blazer. four wheel drive, new motor, white, i wouldent mind having it. but it needs a new transmission. altogether its going to be around 5-6 hundred dollors. and it has less gas mileage. but oh well. its better than a damn ford wagon. so thats whats going on with me. like any one cares. talk to ya later. bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|05:18 pm] |
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a lot on my mind lately. a lot to think about. a lot to keep me up at night. a lot to get all depressed over and a lot to make me happy. just a lot. and listening to the music i am prolly aint helpin any. but i like it. i just need to hear it not listen to it. I KNOW, im gonna go to my grandmas and play my guitar. maybe. if i can get up the energy to do it. i should keep all of my stuff here but i dont have any room for it. ive got a lot of shit. 4 electric guitars, 2 electric basses, four amps, and 12 distortion pedals. just, you know, a little. been hanging out with jana a lot too. thats fun, and david. got to meet tonya. got to prank her sorda, she hasnt called. prolly shy. its gonna be funny when she does though. if she does that is. got to ride the carosell. fun shit man. got to stroke david and janas poles. if you are not david or jana you would not get that one. well i gotta go eat now. bye bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2004|07:10 pm] |
a lot going on lately. went and saw a movie. good shit. except for the whole glock thing.......that was shitty. glocks are known for for being peices of shit. the last time i used a glock in a competiton it jammed 7 out of nine times. and the only saftey mechenism (thats a big word) is on the trigger its self. there have been more accidental (nother big word) injurys with glocks than any other make of hand gun. but all in all it was an AWSOME movie. then jana asked me to prom. i should have asked her but what ever. just a little untraditional. i dont care, as long as i get shit faced at the after party:) and tomorrow im hanging out with you guys. gonna be fun shit. OH YEAH and today in my criminal justice we had HELLA fun. we did serveilance training(i dont thin thats how you spell that, eh.....2 fer 3 on big words). me, david, levi, and zach(all people you dont know, cept 4 me) were the bad guys and everybody else was the good guys. we all had those talk about things with the channels on em. we were the crack dealers tying to make a drop and they were supposed to follow us and stop us after the drop. but they sucked ass. we kept leaving fake notes all over the place and they followed the notes, not us. it was funny. then me and david walked down one side of the street and up the other and they lost us. we were stopped out in plain sight right across the street. but then they also had some REALLY good people on their side. fun shit. but when i was hiding from them my phone rang (jana sent me a message) so i dropped it in some bushes and hid around the corner, they picked it up, looked at it, and set back down and then went the other way. these were the stupid ones obviously. but that was in the very beginning, like just after we walked out the door so the good ones were allready hiding.
so thats all i had to say. bye bye |
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| boring ass shit |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|09:36 pm] |
home as been getting boringer and boringer (yes i know thats not a word, whatcha gonna do, sue me?) i was going to hang out with some unamed people but the whore cancelled on me. sound familiar to anyone? "anybody? anybody? buhler? anybody?"
that movie kicked ass by the way. but back to the bitching. then my buddy and i were going to get together with two other people we used to hang out with and play music (my old band) but they welched on me too, fucking pricks. i need a girl friend. then at least i could go somewhere with somebody. school is even better than home. i dont do work at either places but at least at school i can talk to people i half way like. speaking of school, i feel sorry for Dan. hes got all the people with issues. i walked into his room to give him one of MY papers (i think you got to read one of my kind of papers elysia) and there was this chic giving him the whole "why am i taking this class, il never use it" bull shit speach. but she was REALLY pissed off about it. she had this whole plan where dan would let her drop trig. and she would take some other elective and it was l going to be all right. Dan was trying to explain it to her but she wasnt listening. i started laughing at her and she says "are you laughing at me?" i said "im laughing at my paper." dan says "but IM laughing at you." that made me laugh even more wich pissed her off more. after dan got her calmed down again i said "i have two quotes for you, 'if the world didnt suck wed all fall off' and 'school is paractice for the future and practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, so why practice" she started laughing and i left. Dan dosent deserve that kind of bull shit from people. but Andy on the other hand. fuckin psycho ass bitch. well thats all i have to say.
Quote for the day: "suicide is like telling god, you cant fire me, i quit!"
Thought for the day: why does overlook and oversee mean two different things? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|12:50 am] |
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i job shadowed a sheriff today. fun shit man. kicked ass and took names. no, actually it was pretty uneventful. arrested one girl and helped child protective services with a case. other than that it was pretty boring. but i cant wait till i become a police officer. its my dream job. except that the only people you deal with are the scum bags. i have never really thought about how good i have it made. i have a car, a roof, and a family. wich is more than most of the people i saw out there can say. and i saw this in mexico too. you never realize how good we have it till you see how most other people live. well, im damn tired. il tell you more about it in person.....if you ask. see you guys later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|02:01 pm] |
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well, im back. whoopty fuckin doo. i ache. every muscle in my back hurts and my knees hurt and i pulled an arm muscle. my head hurts {hangover :)} tequillas the shiznit. and my neck hurts. but im back. now i get to sleep in, till monday atleast. fuck i hate school. and my parents popped a tire on my car. but thats all fixed now. thats another thing i fucking hate, the damn bitches at les schwab with their heads up their asses. fucking psycos. i wanna be a terrorist for three days and take out all the people i fucking hate. but being assed raped in prison by a big black man named bubba aint exactly worth it, so yeah. i want to live in mexico. everything is hella cheap. i got a kick ass necklace and watch for like 20 alltogether. and the drinks were like 50 cents a shot. familys here for easter gotta run. see you guys later. |
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